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Archive for September, 2006

Citizen Dog

These days I am falling into movies again, and as a thai fan, I watched a thai movie which was shown in the Asian Film Festival. This movie touches my heart, I feel like I had a very concrete conversation with a soulmate. The movie is about a guy whose lives in the province and he has no dreams and he doesn’t know what the ambition is. But he decides to go to Bangkok and her grandma told him that if he can get a job in Bangkok and then he will grow a tail. However, eventually he doesn’t have a tail even he has gone to Bangkok but it turns out to make him famous as everyone in Bangkok has a tail. To this point, I believe having tails implies to be influenced by a materalistic city and have already forgotten the innocence.

Besides this, the movie combines a lot of different tiny stories and it is so difficult to draw a clear line to link up the whole story. I remember one line which is very true: in this world, there are a lot of sad things, tears or disappointments which make people easily forget the nice things, and people eventually have no feelings towards anything anymore. People always try to seek their desires, and they never realise actually their desires are just next to them. It is so true and makes me feel I don’t want to change anymore about my life. To me, I am not satisifed with what I am having, as I feel I have never tried my best to get any achievements. I have never consumed my greatest power to show people/myself that I can do such and such things. Now I am asking myself, afterall, my life is a life which involves eating, sleeping, some laughs, some tears, some loves, some hates….no matter what I do. And the main thing is I enjoy it. I am trying hard to make my life more fruitful so that I enjoy it more, but during this process I am not enjoying at all. So what is the point of doing this? Well..it doesn’t mean I want to keep my current status forever, I still want to change, and I still want to try new things, but now I have to learn to enjoy this process, instead of thinking why I am doing it out of I am not enjoy my current life. I do enjoy my current life in which actually, as the movie says, I have already forgotten the nice things as the tears drowned me.

I feel the sun is coming out more and more day by day.

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Citizen Dog
Highly recommended…..

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Who am I?

It is more than complicated in my mind rite now after a wine tasting function with all strangers surrounded me speaking basically French or English with content in which I was totally lost. Well..I wouldnt have said lost as I understand what they said, but I just cannot put myself in a way which I could go into their hearts and think from their sides. So meanwhile I also could not open my heart to these strangers. Am I too narrow-minded? I saw a Chinese whos from New York and I just cannot distract myself from only listening to his “American” acent…and as well as I met a Chinese whos from England and kept talking like a drunkie even she was not drunk. They talked freely in front of us, saying I am also their strangers. What the hell are they doing out there? Or what the helll am I doing out there??? Again, I never see myself having problems in joining this kind of functions as I am sometimes a bit nuts and I did talk to people freely. BUT, these people, they are just not my type at all. Since then, I start missing my friends who can share bits of my heart, and I start missing someone who could really understand me. In the same planet, actually how many people in my life could really reach the deepest place of my heart, and now I remember again, words from The Little Prince, the grown-ups would never understand the kids. I feel like I am still one of the kids who will never be willing to jump into adult world.

I got an email from the German Professor whom I have asked about life. He replied me with exactly what I expect him to write, and this email just makes me into a confusion again: Am i doing the right thing to start from zero at a new place with everyting is uncertain? OMG…can I just clarify myself a bit more??? I don’t want to swing like F has done on his career and relationship. He has made the decision, I appreciate it, how about myself??  I don’t appreciate myself at all, at all….

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This movie inspires me a lot. Well..though it is kind of a typical Hollywood movie having normal ugly nerdy looking girl turned into a fabulous stylish lady but finally she wanted to be herself instead of a materialistic babie girl. But I do feel good after this movie, I feel the energy from her. I am not enthusiastic in my work anymore, I don’t have the fire like what Andy has in the movie. But I long for this, I really want to light myself up and go for something in which I can devote myself.

Today I talked to friend I, I told her I found myself lacking of confidence again, I don’t see I am attractive anymore (well..I don’t mean I was…umm..do I mean it?), but when she quoted some lines from the girl she hates, I was inspired. The lines are something like when one is ready for being loved or loving, one’s eyes will be sparkling. and one will be attractive without do anything. So, well..yes. I am not ready yet. It is true. I tried to put myself into a stage where I am actually not yet ready to go – to be loved or love, so thats why I feel so lost and confused. But now I learnt it is a transitional period where I am getting my real self back. I have to take my time to run through it. Anyways, my little panda eyes are with me, always, but I also need to minimize them as they are very awful now after tears for months. I am sure, the day when I can get rid of my pandas, it will be also the day my eyes get sparkling again.

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S from US gave a baby girl on 14 sep while I was celebrating Seasons’s birthday. Woo..I could never imagine a boyish style girl has turned into a mother before everyone does. I just made a video clip for her and the baby girl, opps! I addressed myself as Auntie…yes…I am an aunt! afterall, nobody can escape from the time game, except from parents’ eyes. Definitely I feel more than delighted for her to walk a big step towards a new stage in her life, it is not easy at all. I imagine there will be lots and lots of things awaiting her to face and cope with. No matter what, I am (we are) always thinking of her and her family.
Despite we are from the same origin, after a while, we are having different kind of life. The question is..are we having the life that we like to have?

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After staying at my place for more than a year, I finally bought something to decorate my ugly lighting. Product from Ikea costs $199. Perfect! Besides having Swedish Ikea product, tomorrow a real Swedish product will move in. I start looking forward to it, I hope, do hope I will not only have a new light, but a new life.

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And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes…

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We’ll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower’s daughter
The pupil in denial

I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes…

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can’t take my mind off of you
I can’t take my mind off of you…
I can’t take my mind off of you
I can’t take my mind off of you
I can’t take my mind off of you
I can’t take my mind…
My mind…my mind…
‘Til I find somebody new

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Finally I had a smile on my face this morning. Today before I worked, I did a series of things. I went to do laundry, then i went to buy congee for my breakfast, while I was waiting for the congee, I wandered around and ended up buying ginger flower opposite to the congee shop. Due to the heavy rains yesterday, the ginger flower got open too quickly, the flower shop’s owner couldn’t keep them for long, put them at $5 for a bunch. I looked at them, they were like some angels dancing under rains. They were so pure and innocent. I decided to buy a bunch for my office, to soak the office with their pure scent. I put my flower into my red bag, was walking back to the office with my i-pod on playing Hey Jude. I was like jumping into a pond of water on the road. Suddenly I saw a familiar face, he is the secuirty guard who works in the building next to mine. I usually didn’t greet him as he looks like a green mind man. However, today I gave a smile to him, and he returned me with his white teeth. I felt I am the angel who can dance under rains, although the feelings lasted only for a while. It is the first step, I feel my heart starts being healed. The pain is fading away.

Thanks the laundry, thanks the congee, thanks the ginger flower, thanks mr. guard!

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I am not waiting for nothing anymore…

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